Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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