I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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