I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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