You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You pole danced in your parka.
Just pee around me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
