Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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