I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
