I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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