I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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