We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
