So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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