it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
