dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
