Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
