So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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