Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
