Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
