Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
