Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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