Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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