Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm sobbing to NWA
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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