i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
