why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
love makes seman taste better
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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