I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
