yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
