Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
