I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
