i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Barsexuality is the new black.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
