I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
