I am in a vortex of obligation.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
