I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
