I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
