I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
