We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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