thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
