I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
