Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
