Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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