When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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