did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
