I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
