tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
