i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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