I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
there is puke in my bra ... again
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