Can Purell be used as lube?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
