Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
