Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
