Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
