just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
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