a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
