i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
