Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
barbara walters just said penis...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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