Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
